


to live again

by estherroberts



Category: Dark (TV 2017)
Genre: F/F, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Origin World, s3 spoilers (sort of)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-14
Updated: 2020-11-14
Packaged: 2021-03-09 23:00:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,205
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27534154
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/estherroberts/pseuds/estherroberts
Summary: in 1986, hannah burns with jealousy. she's nothing compared to katharina and she knows it. but katharina's life isn't what she thinks it is, and it's about time they talked about it.
Relationships: Hannah Kahnwald & Katharina Nielsen & Regina Tiedemann, Hannah Kahnwald/Katharina Nielsen
Comments: 18
Kudos: 21





	1. out of touch

**Author's Note:**

> a couple of things before we get going:  
> this takes place in the origin world, so it's based on a theory i had which basically amounts to: what if... no ulrich??  
> i also feel weird about bernd being a father/father figure in regina's life and all that implies so in this story... he's just not. claudia is still a single mother, but she's a better one.  
> the title is from "a quiet life" by teho teardo !  
> have fun!

katharina is perfect. everything in her life is perfect.

hannah crosses her arms tight as she watches katharina across the cafeteria. the other girl picks up her tray and joins her at their table. it’s like she doesn’t notice how everyone’s eyes follow her. 

katharina smiles a hello at hannah, and the rock inside her chest cracks, ever so slightly. “how was biology?”

they’ve had several classes apart since they saw each other this morning, but it’s hannah’s favorite that katharina inquires about now. did she do that on purpose? hannah hesitates for a moment. there are still so many glances shooting over to their table. their classmates’ eyes slide over hannah and land on katharina. their expressions are filled with desire, envy… every girl wants to be her and every boy wants to fuck her. hannah’s hatred is so well worn in the grooves of her mind that she winces to think about the way she mightlook at her friend.

“hannah? what planet did you just visit?”

“yeah. sorry, i was… sorry. it was good! we’re learning about the nervous system today, and the centers in that brain that—” she stops. “you probably remember it from last year.” 

katharina shrugs. “maybe. but i like listening. even if you’re a square.” 

hannah rolls her eyes and tugs down the blush rising in her cheeks, but she continues in detail anyway. her arms uncross and she can feel herself gesturing as she speaks, drawing diagrams in the air. she curses the god who didn’t grant her the gift of brevity and she’s aware of every second she’s been talking. but katharina never looks away. 

when hannah finally wrestles herself into a conclusion, she asks, “how about you? how are your classes?” 

“fine. i’m passing all of them at the moment, which, thank god for that.” her eyes go dark for a moment, and hannah wants to ask about that, push her a little to open up… 

but regina sits down. “sorry i’m late, i stayed after class to talk about how i can clarify the analysis of symbolism in my essay. it’s getting lost in too many citations, i think.” 

hannah mimes pushing glasses up her nose. “nerd.” she’s aware of her hypocrisy, sure, but it has the intended effect. 

regina adjusts her glasses, and cracks a shy smile. “that may, in fact, be true.” 

with regina there, hannah relaxes. the three of them are easy together. katharina and regina had taken hannah under their wings quickly when she started at the high school: katharina guiding her into social circles and regina always there with academic advice. they’ve all had to share their parents with work, and get used to solitude.

at the end of lunch, as they put up their trays, katharina grabs hannah’s arm. “can i come to your place tonight? to do homework?” 

hannah tilts her head. “my father has a route after school, deliveries…” 

“i know. i’ll come. as long as he won’t be mad?” 

“sure, but it’ll be awhile before we get home.” 

that look is back in katharina’s eyes. again, hannah wants to ask, but this time it looks more like fear, and she’s not sure now is the right time to push it. 

“that’s okay. i just…” she shakes her head. “thank you.” 

the bell rings. 

for the most part, hannah has gotten very good at compartmentalizing. after all, she’s carried this feeling for so long. it sits on her chest like an ugly tattoo. so, when she’s in class, she doesn’t think about the whirlpool of emotion lurking just out of sight. who has time to feel lonely when there’s calculus? but today is harder. today, envy and anger bubble up in her heart, and when she gets called on, she mumbles and fumbles her answers. the closer she get to katharina, the more she gets pulled into her orbit, the harder it is to be around her. she’s affectionate and bitchy in the same breath, and hannah knows she never means to insult her, but she still feels like she never knows they stand. and god, why is everything so _easy_ for her? she’s beautiful, everyone likes her, everyone respects her, but hannah… hannah has to fight, bow and scrape for even simple recognition. 

“hannah. your answer?”

she definitely did not hear the question. “i… i don’t know. i’m sorry.”

is she going to blame katharina for this, too? yes. someday, she’ll ruin her. and that’s a promise.

* * *

“papa? can katharina ride with us today?” 

her father’s van is at the sidewalk and she hangs into the driver’s side window. 

“sure! there’s room in the front, but you probably want to sit with the linens?”

hannah looks to katharina, who nods. she opens the back, and they both hop in. hannah tucks herself between two large rugs and katharina sits opposite her, her legs reaching out in front of her. 

“how was your day, girls?” 

“fine, papa.” 

“good, thank you, herr krüger. and thanks for the ride.” 

“of course. always makes me happy to see that hannah has friends.” 

hannah rolls her eyes. she runs her fingers along the edges of the rug to her left and fiddles with the tassels. 

katharina smacks her gum. 

hannah’s father turns on the radio, and the contrast to the previous moment’s silence is startling. but it’s a song katharina and hannah both love, so it’s not long before they’re singing together. 

slowly, the back of the van empties until all that’s left are the two girls. 

“would you like a ride home, katharina?” sebastian turns around in his seat. but he sees that dark expression on her face at the same time hannah does, and adds, “or would you like to stay with us tonight? i think we have an extra toothbrush.” 

she nods, and he starts the car. 

katharina has never been over to her house before. the three girls always hang out at regina’s. suddenly, hannah is struck with a vivid image of katharina turning her nose up at their small house, at the tiny sinks and the old sofas. she swallows. 

she thinks about the hate that consumed her all through class and looking at katharina now, hannah feels a pang of guilt. there is definitely something wrong with her. but recognizing it and feeling awful for it doesn’t make it go away. she still hates her. 

upon their arrival, however, katharina is nothing but polite. she compliments hannah’s father on their “lovely home” and grins at the photos of little hannah on the walls. 

hannah is still on edge, not trusting. it’s not like katharina to be so openly kind. but she and her papa thank her friend and show her to hannah’s room. 

the girls plop their backpacks on the bed and sit on the floor, facing each other. “what is going on?” hannah asks, the words falling out of her mouth before she can think of a nicer way to say them. 

“my mother is doing a night shift tonight. i… didn’t want to be alone.” katharina bites her lip and crosses her arms. “what’s going on with you? you’ve been squirrelly.” 

hannah shrugs. “worried about you.” now they’re both telling partial truths, and they can see it in each other’s eyes. 

katharina raises an eyebrow, challenging hannah to break, to talk about how she really feels. 

hannah reaches up and pulls out her homework. 

they work in silence for over an hour. it’s agony. hannah fumes. katharina is the _worst._ next to her, hannah always feels so small, so inferior, and she scrambles to think of ways to pay her back for that feeling. she boils with rage. for now, though, she watches her pencil scratch on paper through a thick sheet of glass. the only thing she can hear is her heartbeat. finally, she breaks the silence. “why didn’t you ask regina?” 

katharina looks up and chews her lip. “she had some dinner or something with her mom tonight. they do that shit, you know? spend time together.” 

“huh.” hannah taps her pencil on the page. the temptation to irritate her, to really dig for answers rises again and this time she lets it out. “no other reason?” 

katharina looks away. she’s silent for a long moment before she whispers, “i… feel safe with you, hannah.” 

“oh.” she twists her fingers into the rug. “sure.” now her heart beat is so loud, she’s sure if katharina said anyone else she wouldn’t hear it. this is probably further evidence of hannah’s insignificance to her. she’s sure katharina can only feel comfortable around people she can boss around. “what would you go and do that for?”

“you're not going to be able to take it in if i tell you.” 

“you don’t know that! try me.” 

she shakes her head. “okay. i’ll try. you’re a good person, hannah. you’re kind, smart, passionate? you—”

“i’m not—” hannah interrupts, and then realizes she’s proving her right. “look. i’m not...any of those things.” 

“of course you are.” katharina sets her homework aside. she looks directly into hannah’s eyes and hannah looks away. 

“i’m just like everyone else, katharina. i’m like everyone at that school… ” she knows she shouldn’t be saying this, but the tension in this room is pressing on her and the words slide out of her mouth so quickly she can’t catch them. “i’m _so_ jealous of you. all the time. i can’t be in a room with you without wishing that i looked like you, or… or held myself the way you do, or, or… made everyone fall in love with me so quickly… i want to be you. i want your life. it started out as… as, as a passing desire, but it built and built every day i saw you, and it _twists_ me up inside and i hate it and—and, that’s how i know. i’m not _good_. not like you.” she furiously wipes a tear that had welled up without permission. 

katharina looks at her in stunned silence for a moment. then she laughs. “hannah…” she laughs harder. “oh, hannah, you are not like _anyone_ else.” 

“how?” hannah’s still reeling from her speech and can’t even begin to fathom why her friend is laughing like this.

“no one else would have the balls to say that to my face, that’s for sure.” 

hannah lets out a chuckle. “true.” she’s frozen to the spot though, mentally begging katharina to free her from this in some way. she knows she probably just destroyed whatever sense of safety her friend had with her and she can’t stop berating herself for it.

katharina crawls across the carpet and takes hannah’s hands in hers. “ _verdammt_ , hannah. you do not want my life.” 

hannah just looks at her. “prove it.”

“hannah, i—” katharina bites her lip. she sits back. she’s so quiet and her eyebrows are furrowed. slowly, she rolls up the sleeve of her jacket. a bruise sits there, wrapped around her arm like ghost fingers. it’s that deep purple of a new bruise, a day old at most. she tugs down her collar and there are more. there’s another bruise on her hip. one on her other arms. these are lighter, yellowing. 

the world crashes down on hannah for a moment. “oh,” she whispers. 

“please, don’t tell anyone.” katharina adjusts her clothes back into place. “my mother...” 

hannah tugs katharina into her arms and holds her. she can’t find any words right now, anything to express the enormity of what katharina has shown her. she settles on, “i’m sorry.”

“s’ok.” katharina mumbles into her shirt. she doesn’t wiggle away and instead stays there, holding hannah too. “i wanted to tell you,” she says, sitting up after a long while, “for so long. but. i couldn’t find the words. or. the time. or the courage, mostly. and it turns out all it took was you being an absolute numbskull.” 

hannah shakes her head. “you really just wanted to one-up my misery, didn’t you?”

katharina laughs. “precisely. but hey,” she clears her throat. “really, i wanted you to know because i care about you. she blushes. “i really care about you. i didn’t want any secrets between us.” 

hannah’s mind is spinning. she doesn’t even have time to process or unpack that _at all_ , so she asks, “does regina know?”

“no.”

there’s a wild impulse in hannah for a moment to hoard this secret, this precious and horrible thing katharina has shared with her. but what she says is, “you should tell her. i... i don’t know how to help you, but she might.” 

katharina nods. “maybe someday. but this was hard enough.” she leans her head onto hannah’s shoulder, and hannah leans her head on top of katharina’s.

their fingers intertwine. 

hannah is still buzzing. she’s on fire. she sits with the feeling, trying to understand it. there’s hatred there, sure, but now it’s all directed at katharina’s mother. is she still jealous of katharina, even knowing this? no, there’s so much less of that, perhaps only a pinprick. but when she thinks of friend, her body still responds the same way, her heart thrumming, with a blush, and a burning, and a— oh, god.

has _that_ been there the whole time? 

she squeezes katharina’s hand and releases it. what a dreadful time to realize you’re falling in love with your best friend. it’s not like she can say anything about it now. both of them have done enough confessing for a century. then again, katharina had said she didn’t want any secrets between them.... no. not the time. 

“thank you,” katharina whispers. “for... everything.” 

“even though i basically said i hated you?”

katharina shrugs. “do you still?” 

“no,” hannah shakes her head. “of course not.”

“then we’re cool.” 

“cool.” 

* * *

hannah plans to spend the whole night pressed to the edge of her bed. she’s never been one to fall asleep quickly but she’s not sure she’ll even get close tonight. 

katharina’s breathing had changed not long after her head hit the pillow. she shifts in her sleep, stretching out her limbs and then tucking them back in. 

when her legs sweep by, hannah leans even further over the edge. she’s terrified of any contact. she tells herself it’s because she’s worried about waking her friend, but she can feel the other reasons simmering beneath. 

how could she have mistaken this for hatred? 

she flops onto her back, forgetting that for tonight, this bed isn’t hers. before she has time to react, the consequences of her actions are upon her. 

in her sleep, katharina has grabbed onto hannah’s arm and pulled it into her chest. 

now hannah is stuck. the thought that she should try to pull her arm away slowly does cross her mind, but she is too scared of waking katharina to try it. 

she’s seen so much more of katharina than she’d ever seen before. this, this vulnerability... the trust she’d had to have in hannah to share something that like... 

hannah twists her arm a fraction of an inch. 

katharina clings harder. 

from what hannah can see in the dark, she looks comfortable and at peace. her breaths fall in a steady rhythm.

something squeezes hannah’s heart, hard. she tugs on her arm again. this time, she removes it successfully, and curls back up into a ball.


	2. you spin me round (like a record)

“so wait. your parents don’t date?” regina leans forward and rests her chin in her hands. 

“nope.” 

“nope,” hannah says as she rests her tray on the table. she sits down opposite regina and katharina and fiddles with her straw. 

“do they say why?” 

“i think papa is still... i mean. i think he really loved my mother. i don’t think anyone will ever live up to how she is in his memory.” hannah never got to meet her mother, but the photos rest on the walls of her house and haunt her.

“my mother had a boyfriend when i was younger, but it didn’t work out. i don’t remember him well, but i don’t think i liked him.” 

hannah looks over to katharina. she tries to ask with her eyes: _was he like your mother?_

katharina looks back and nods ever so slightly. _yes. maybe worse._

hannah wishes she could slide over to the other bench and hug katharina. but she doesn’t want to make a big deal out of it, so she just nods. 

“huh.” regina takes a sip of her soda. “it’s a thing with my mama. she’s had a few partners. i think she even dated her secretary.” 

“her secretary is a woman?” this from katharina. 

hannah freezes. 

“mhm. jasmine. i hope they get back together. she made me breakfast once.” she wrinkles her brow. “maybe i shouldn’t have said that. _scheiße_! i _really_ shouldn’t have said that. you aren’t going to tell anyone, right? i think she gets nervous, you know, about her position at the plant, her reputation.” 

both girls shake their heads quickly. 

hannah melts in her chair, trying to stop thinking about the recent revelation of her attraction to katharina. hearing… hearing such a blatant and real example of women dating each other is both terrifying and electrifying. hearing katharina be the one to draw attention to it… she will have to think about that more later. right now, it’s regina who needs reassurance. 

she says, “seriously, don’t worry. i like your mom, regina. remember when she came in for career day? she did all of our makeup in the car outside.” it’s not untrue, hannah does like regina’s mom. she hasn’t worn makeup before or since, (she still hears her father saying “lipstick is only for prostitutes,”) but she feels like she’ll remember that day forever. whenever she thinks about what having a mother would be like, she imagines frau tiedemann’s steady hand against her cheekbone. she’d never repeat this to regina, though. 

“yeah.” regina looks like she believes them, but the embarrassment is still visible on her cheeks. 

“hey,” katharina wraps an arm around her. “it’s cool your mom’s a dyke. we won’t tell.” 

regina leans back against her and smiles. her voice is soft and earnest when she says, “thank you both so much.” 

there’s a weird bubble up in hannah’s heart when she hears this. a glow, something warm and safe. the feeling is so foreign she nearly drops her fork. something has been breaking down in her since that night with katharina. that cold evil creature that writhes in her gut has been quieter. she looks at her friends, and truly appreciates them.

as soon as that thought materializes, though, she’s gripped with fear again. it can’t last. she’s going to ruin it. it’s not like loving katharina is any better than hating her. it’s probably worse, even. ugh. _stop, hannah._

“yeah,” hannah nods. “of course.” she smiles at regina. “it’s cool that your mom shares this with you, that you get to meet her partners. i feel like if papa ever dated anyone he’d be too embarrassed to talk about it.” 

regina smiles back. “yeah, i guess. it’s kinda grim to say, but, when my opa got diagnosed, i think it scared her into being a better mother, you know? she wanted to be part of my life.” 

katharina squeezes her shoulders. “yeah.” 

hannah picks at her food. she’s never beenjealous of the relationship regina has with her mother. she’s close to her father too, even if they don’t talk much. but she wonders now, if katharina envies them both. another bizarre thought. up until last week, she never could have pictured katharina being jealous of anyone. hannah’d had a monopoly on that emotion. “i’m glad he’s doing better. glad you all are.” 

“me too.” regina flicks her fork at hannah. “eat something. you’ve hardly touched your lunch.” 

hannah scrunches up her nose but obeys. 

when katharina catches her arm at the end of lunch, hannah nods. 

* * *

doing homework together this time is only marginally easier than last time. it’s not like the room is so tension filled anymore, but hannah keeps getting distracted. she feels like a cliche, but she’s endeared by every single one of katharina’s little habits. when she chews on her eraser, twirls her hair, wrinkles her brow, hannah loses the ability to read whatever is on her assignment. 

one of these times, katharina catches her staring. “what?” 

“nothing.” 

“don’t ‘nothing’ me, hannah krüger. you’re staring.” 

“you’re cute.”

“what was that?”

“you fidget. when you’re concentrating. it’s funny to watch.” what _is_ it about being alone with this girl that makes hannah lose her filter? she’s gonna say a lot worse if she’s not careful. 

katharina flips her hair with a smug grin. “thank you.” but her expression clouds. “i’m glad it was that, and not—i’m glad you weren’t pitying me.”

“hey, i wouldn’t.” 

“i know, i just worry—i’ve been worrying. that it changed your opinion of me.” she bites her lips. “or that it made you think i’m weak. i’m _not_ ,” she adds fiercely. 

“i know. i don’t think that, katharina. i could never think less of you.”

“okay.” she nods. “thank you.” 

“wait, does that mean... you care what i think of you?” 

katharina picks up a pillow and throws it at her. 

“i’m taking that as a yes.” 

“ha, ha.” 

hannah grins. “how’s your history paper?” 

“dreadful. you’re doing... math right?”

“also dreadful.” 

“mm. wanna trade?” 

“what would regina say?”

“she’d be aghast. horrified!” 

“cheating? on homework? this will ruin your life, probably!” 

“what’s next? drugs? murder?”

hannah laughs. “we mustn’t. for regina’s sake.” 

“i suppose.” 

she tosses the pillow back. “get back to work.” 

“you get back to work,” katharina replies, but she’s already picking up her pencil. 

* * *

“hannah. wake up.” 

“i’m awake.” hannah mumbles, having been very much asleep. she rolls over to face her friend in the dark. “what is it?” 

in the dark, but just visible, katharina grins. “you were snoring.” 

“no way.” 

katharina laughs. 

“you woke me up just to tell me i snore?”

“no, to kindly ask you to stop snoring.”

“bullshit. i do not snore.” 

“fine.” she shifts around and faces her. “you do not snore.” 

“so, you woke me up to tell me i don’t snore?” 

katharina fiddles with the sheets. she rolls them around her fingertips and into a fist. “i’m regretting it now.” 

“katharina,” hannah says, too aware of the concern in her voice. “did something happen?” 

“it was just a dream.” 

hannah rests her hand on top of katharina’s. “do you wanna talk about it?” 

she shakes her head. “i’m sorry. i shouldn’t have woken you up.” 

“okay.” 

katharina rolls on her back, but flips her hand up to hold hannah’s as she does. “is there something wrong with me?” 

it would be easy to joke and give katharina an out in case she didn’t want to talk about it, but the softness of her voice makes hannah hesitate. she can’t believe how many times she’s asked herself the same question. she can’t believe katharina is asking her now. she squeezes her hand. “please don’t tell me you think you deserve it.” 

“it’s the only way it makes sense.” 

“it’s not your fault.” 

katharina rolls back over and meets hannah’s eyes in the dark. “if it’s not my fault, why is it happening?” 

hannah can’t answer that. she reaches out and tucks a hair behind katharina’s ear. 

she shivers. 

“i can’t promise you—i can’t promise you it’ll be okay,” hannah tells her. “i don’t have answers for you, i don’t… i don’t know how to help you. but i can promise that you always have me. that you’re always safe here.” 

katharina moves toward hannah and presses her lips against her cheek. “thank you.” she stays close for a minute, letting their foreheads touch, and then she turns away. within moments, she is asleep. 

hannah has forgotten how to breathe. 

she can still feel the echo of katharina’s kiss on her cheek and she resists the temptation to reach up and touch it. she’s... is she _tingling_? what the hell is this? she presses her eyes shut tight, but she can only think about the way katharina felt, so close to her, so trusting... and how all she wanted to do was kiss her back. 

she’s going to lose another night of sleep to this, isn’t she?


	3. rock me amadeus

“i haven’t gotten over the fact that you like nino de angelo better than falco.”

“it’s been _weeks,_ katharina.” hannah crosses her arms and looks at katharina, who’s sitting next to her today.

at school, katharina is the same as she’s always been. she still carries herself with confidence, with a comfortably nonchalant attitude. and she still mocks her friends gently and her enemies viciously. but since their conversation the other night, she drifts closer to hannah, almost unconsciously, like she’s worried hannah will disappear. 

“he’s just so… cheesy. romantic. you really like that shit?” 

“falco doesn’t make any sense. what does ‘rock me amadeus’ even mean?” for hannah, it’s gotten no easier to be around katharina. but (with few exceptions) she’s gotten very practiced at hiding her true feelings from her friend. even if they’re different feelings from the ones she’d carried for so long. 

“it’s based on a movie about mozart’s life, and katharina is right.” regina sits down. “haven’t you seen _amadeus_?” 

hannah clutches her chest. “this is a betrayal of the highest order. i thought you liked my music.” 

“i listened to both of the tapes again last night.” she shakes her head. “i’m sorry, hannah. however,” she adds, “i like blondie better than either of those guys.” 

“we know,” they say in unison. 

hannah pulls out a notebook and reads aloud “days passed since regina has mentioned blondie?” 

“i think our previous count was six?” katharina rests her chin on hannah’s shoulder to check. 

“that is correct.” hannah (desperately ignoring the point of contact between her and katharina) erases the large six and puts a zero in its place. she flips the notebook around to show regina. “disappointing.” but her affect is slipping, and she giggles. “i’m sorry, it’s just, you… have a problem.” 

regina laughs too. “i’m sorry, i know.” she takes a few bites of her lunch, and asks, “how are your classes going?”

hannah shrugs. “there’s nothing exciting today. i have an exam coming up in german.”

“i have a fencing tournament on saturday, but i can help you study sunday if you want?” 

“oh, good luck! i think i will be ok? but i’ll call you on sunday if studying isn’t working out.” there’s something about regina’s bare sincerity that makes hannah wither at the sight of it. she’s so generous it’s almost painful, and hannah has never let herself believe she deserves the full force of that generosity. maybe she should give her a call. 

regina nods. “katharina?”

“fine. you know. i’m enjoying my languages classes actually? i’ve gotten to the point where i can hold conversations in french and english, so, that’s cool.” 

“that is cool!” hannah smiles at her. 

katharina smiles back and the butterflies kick up again in hannah’s gut. getting waterboarded would be easier than this. 

to silence the butterflies, she asks, “what about you, regina?”

“the quest for perfection never ends, but i’m doing alright in everything, i think.” 

katharina reaches across the table and holds up one of her curls. “your hair is looking good these days!” 

regina rolls her eyes. “after years of criticism and snide comments, as part of her Fix The Family project, my dear mother is actually teaching me how to take care of the curls.”

“i like them!” hannah smiles at her. like all of her compliments to regina, this one is genuine. “congrats.” 

* * *

katharina plunks herself down on the rug. “please tell me you don’t have a lot to do tonight.” 

“it’s friday.” hannah shrugs. “studying can wait. what’s up?” 

“we need to talk.” 

“ooh, serious voice.” hannah smiles, but she can already tell it won’t work on katharina. her jaw is set and her brow is wrinkled. 

“you can’t joke! i’m going to lose my nerve.” 

“okay, okay,” hannah holds up her hands. “i’m with you. serious time.” 

“if, after this conversation you want to take everything back... especially the part about it being okay for me to be here… if you want me to leave right after, i understand.” 

now hannah’s starting to get nervous. what could she possibly say that would make her feel that way? “i wouldn’t.” 

“i haven’t been honest with you. i promised you, no more secrets, and i still have one. but...” she swallows. “but, i’ve had this one for a long time. since the day i met you. well, nearly. it’s just gotten worse from there.” 

hannah nods. she’s trying not to think of her own secret too loudly in case it breaks out of her skull. 

“i just didn’t want to tell you. tell anyone. if my mother found out—” she breaks herself off and chews her lip. “i didn’t want to put you in danger too. even by association.” 

“katharina,” hannah says gently, sitting closer to her and taking her hand. “i promised you’d be safe here. whatever it is, you can tell me.” 

“i can’t—i. i think... i mean. i can’t say it. the way everything in me is screaming to say it, i can’t say it like that.” 

“okay,” hannah says. her heart picks up its already quickened pace. “say it another way.” 

katharina kisses her. 

for a moment, hannah’s mind goes terrifyingly blank. she does nothing, stuck to the spot, only capable of reeling. but the sensation of katharina’s lips on her own brings her crashing back down to reality. she wraps an arm around katharina’s back to pull her closer, kissing her back in earnest. 

eventually, katharina pulls away. “oh.” she chuckles. “well.” 

“well...” hannah is blushing. she can feel it. but she’s also kind of giddy and lets out a giggle. 

“well, you don’t hate me.” 

hannah laughs again. “nope.” 

“so...” katharina studies her. “three weeks ago... you were burning with jealousy and now?” 

“i figured out... it wasn’t jealousy.” 

“ah.” 

“what were you going to say?” 

“i really can’t say it now,” katharina smiles. “especially now that i know you’re only three weeks into this feeling.” 

oh. had _i love you_ been the words on her lips? hannah shivers. katharina’s right, it’s too soon for that. but someday, maybe. 

“can we do that again?” hannah asks. 

“c’mere.” 

* * *

hannah doesn’t want to rush things, and she tells katharina this when they climb under the covers. 

katharina agrees, but winks, and it sets hannah to blushing all over again. 

she shuts off the light and reaches her fingers toward katharina. 

katharina holds her hand, and pulls it to the back of it to her lips. “i never dared hope for this.” 

“me neither.” 

katharina laughs. “you didn’t pick up on it? i’ve been trying to flirt with you all year.” 

“ _flirt_!” hannah turns toward katharina. “no! when were you flirting?” 

“always! especially when i’m here!” 

hannah scoffs. 

“i admit, sharing childhood trauma only counts a little, but, i was trying to show you that i trust you. that you matter to me. the same way i always listen when you talk so passionately about school.” 

“i thought you were... i thought you _tolerated_ me.” 

katharina pulls her closer and kisses the top of her head. “i really like you. you really matter to me. you always have. and i’ll keep saying it until you believe it.” 

hannah wraps her arms around katharina and holds her close. it’s hard to believe. but she’s going to try, for katharina. 

in the dark, hannah finds katharina’s lips, and kisses her again, and again, and again. 


	4. heaven is a place on earth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter takes place at around the same time the origin world dinner party would have, maybe a couple of months sooner!

katharina has her head on hannah’s chest and her arms wrapped around her waist. she curls into hannah’s neck and mumbles, “i’m ready.” 

sleepily, hannah asks, “for what?” but the answer comes crashing in just as she finishes her question. “for a child!?” 

katharina nods. hannah can feel the movement against her skin. 

she plays with her wife’s hair. “are you sure?” she hardly dares to breathe. 

“yeah. hannah...” katharina kisses a line up her neck, slowly and gentle. “i love you. and i trust you. and... i trust... us. to be better than her.” 

hannah turns to face katharina and catches her face in her palms. “i thought... never...”

“me too.” katharina kisses hannah’s hand. “some things change.” 

“wow.” 

katharina had first confessed that she never wanted children not long after they started dating. they were sitting on one of the benches outside the high school and katharina had leaned up against her and said, _you know, it’s because of her that i never want to have kids._ hannah had nodded, and whispered, _at least we don’t have to worry about that._ as they got older, however, it was a conversation they’d had seriously many times. it was achingly undeniable to hannah that they would both be good mothers, especially after all of their years of therapy. she’d wanted it so badly. but it was either motherhood or katharina. hannah had stopped bringing it up years ago, because she’d known the answer every time. 

she kisses the top of katharina’s head. “let’s do it.” 

“should we ask someone to be a donor?” 

“you really have thought about this!”

“i’m serious, hannah.”

“okay, okay. serious time.” but the moment she thinks of her question, she’s already giggling. “who are we going to ask, _wöller_?” 

“stop!” katharina says, but she’s laughing too. “he’s not bad looking?” 

“no, but... god, can you imagine carrying his child? i can’t.”

“oh, how quickly you assume it’ll be you!”

hannah pulls her back into her arms. “you want to wrestle for it?” 

katharina wiggles away and then pins her easily. “no, because you lose every time, and it wouldn’t be fair.” 

hannah pouts. 

“i can hardly see your face, but i don’t need to. i know exactly what it looks like. don’t worry,” she adds, nestling back into hannah’s arms. “i wouldn’t want to be pregnant.” 

“mm.” hannah pulls her closer. “do you want to adopt? legally speaking, it might be easier, anyway.” 

“yeah. sure. maybe.” she’s silent for a moment and then begins to shake. 

“katharina,” hannah asks softly, “are you crying?”

she nods. 

“are you okay? do you want to stop talking about this?”

“no,” she sniffs. “i’m okay. i think… i think i’m _happy_ , hannah.”

“ _oh_.” hannah can feel tears welling up in her own eyes. “me too.”

she holds her wife closer to her chest and rubs her back. “we have to tell regina.”

“she’s probably asleep,” katharina mumbles.

“i _love_ that you think i mean immediately.”

“it’s important!” katharina re-emerges from the nook of hannah’s neck and props herself up on her elbows.

“i know. wanna ask her if she wants to… you know… be involved?” 

“dinner tomorrow night, maybe? how could we describe it?”

“assistant parent? aunt? godmother? family?” 

“mhm. family. she’s important. and we want her to be a part of it all.” 

“yeah.” hannah nods, more to herself than to katharina. and then she grins. “a kid! katharina! a kid!! you wanna have a kid!!” 

“where was this enthusiasm five minutes ago?” 

“processing,” hannah laughs. she feels hysterical. “my god. oh my god! she makes me wait thirty-three years to tell me she wants a child!” 

“hey—”

“i know, i know.” hannah kisses her nose. “it’s okay to realize you feel differently about something. and it’s okay to take time to heal before you get there.” 

“i’m _so_ glad you think that, because otherwise you’d still hate me.”

“you’re never going to let me live that one down, are you? i was a weird, insecure brat and i thought you were perfect. how was i supposed to know that was attraction?”

“mm.” katharina says. “i am perfect.”

“you are. thank you for making all of the first moves. including this one.”

katharina laughs. “this is not a first move. it’s the answer to a move you made a long time ago.” 

suddenly, hannah hesitates. “are you sure it’s the right decision? i didn’t pressure you into it? we’re not rushing this?” hannah’s gotten so much better at managing her anxiety over the years, but now a giant wave of it hits her. “i’m—i’m…” 

“hey,” katharina grabs her hand. she can always tell when hannah starts to get nervous. “hey. i’ve thought about it for a long time. this isn’t a whim, it’s not spur of the moment. i’m ready. i _want_ this. i decided that on my own. you’ve _been_ ready, ready for maybe ten years! and we’re not alone, either, okay? it’s not just us, we’ll talk to regina tomorrow. and we have your papa and frau tiedemann, and peter, and the wöllers, and we’re gonna be okay.” the whole time she’s talking, she holds hannah steady with one hand and plays with her hair with the other. “don’t doubt it now because it’s real.” 

“okay.” hannah takes a long, deep breath. “thank you, _mein schatz_.” 

“of course. i love you.”

“i love you, too.”

**Author's Note:**

> thank you so much for reading! feel free to drop me a line on tumblr @patron-saints; i would love to talk to anyone who cares about this ship! 
> 
> also, big thank you to niels for all the comments, shannon for the german cultural advice, (& claudia for additional german language stuff!) and an especially big shoutout to alex, mo, and lieke for putting up with me <3


End file.
